Thursday, May 20, 2010
"If I'm too young for marriage is it wrong to date?"
It is amazing to me to see how many high school relationships there are in the Christian realm. I have to preface everything I'm about to say with, I had high school relationships, I thought I was in love, I suffered the heart break, and I broke a few hearts. I'm not trying to blast those who are in a high school relationship. BUT I am going to challenge them with this video.
If I were to go back in time, I would have never dated in high school. Why? Because as a high school student, I know, as I'm sure many high school students know, that I was not ready or mature enough to be married. It wasn't until my senior year of college 4.5 years after high school that I actually felt like I would be able to get married. Why is that? Because the Lord worked on me, chiseling away sin, breaking down my pride, and building my fear of Him before He brought my AMAZING wife into my life.
Is it just coincidence that after some huge milestones of spiritual maturity throughout my college career, the Lord puts a girl in my life who the only thought I really had about her was, "Lord, I don't deserve this! You're being to generous. She is amazing!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I do believe in God's ordinance of marriage being an amazing blessing when you submit to His plan and timing of it.
I love how Pastor Mark answered the question "If I'm too young for marriage, is it wrong to date?"
The popular worldly and even "the Christian worldly" belief regarding this question is... "NOOOO!! you should date around to see what kind of personalities you are compatible and not compatible with!"
I am so glad that without a flinch, or even a remote pause Mark said, "YES!"
It's towards the end of this video. It is something that as a future parent someday I really want to stand by. Why? Because it just makes sense and protects my son or daughter from being someone's "personality experiment" or play the "how close can we get to the physical affection restriction line" game with.
I'll let the video and Pastor Mark speak for himself, but I wish more high school students would understand this. "If I'm too young to marry, then I'm too young to date" Why? because the purpose of dating is marriage.
Focus on growing your fear of the Lord and pursing His heart so that you can benefit from Romans 8:28 and God's promise to work all things together for good, even in the area of your future wife or husband. I'm glad I realized this so that I never had to "settle" or feel like I needed to "find miss perfect" myself.
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I may politely disagree on this...
ReplyDeleteSo are you saying that you would have just known what to do and how to act once you were ready for marriage?
His argument dismisses the "I married my highschool sweetheart" scenario as un-Godly and them "using" each other.
Dating relationships and emotional attachments prior to you being "ready" to date help define who you are and will become.
You as a future parent will tell your son/daughter not to touch a hot stove countless times... however the little he/she will eventually touch it and learn a lesson.
Thought provoking blog post... however I think this may be slightly exaggerated.
Just my 2 pennies.
I would hate to think that my spouse knew how to act and what to do in marriage because he already learned how with someone else.
ReplyDeletetrue, the "married my high school sweatheart scenario" is possible, but I'd rather err on the other side because that rarely happens.
emotional attachments define who you are- usually negatively. i had very in depth emotional attachments before I was married and they defined who I am: struggle with insecurity, sexual temptations, guilt, shame.
I do believe its ok to go on more casual or group dates. But the exclusive, in depth, serious relationships mostly just leave baggage. And yes, I have seen dating in high school done "right". Rarely though.
Sure, in some ways I became a stronger person. But God forbid we all have to fail and hit rock bottom before we become the person we're supposed to be.
Do you test all the cookies now knowing you cant eat them for another 6 years? or wait to taste until you can eat...? valid points to each side, but i'd play it safe.
Valid.
ReplyDeleteI would say regarding your first question about knowing how to act. I knew how to act when I was ready for marriage not because I dated around and figured it out, but rather because leading up to the time in my life I felt ready to take on marriage, I first had to learn a personal devotion to God's word and learn from there how to be a man of God to thus be ready to support and love my wife.
Regarding highschool sweethearts. I agree with your disagreement. He does seem to think there is an "age" appropriate for marriage, and that if you're too "young" you're not ready. Well, in congruence with my above statement, if someone is guided by God's word in personal devotion advancing themselves in spiritual maturity, "physical age" is then different than "spiritual age" if you will.
The question about high school sweethearts is then not about if the end product is Godly or not, it is "what is the motive at any given time."
I don't think it is a stupid or foolish motive even from the highschool age to have your motive for dating to be marriage. However, that motive, being a good one, if truly held would have prevented myself from dating in highschool.
I would disagree that dating relationships and emotional attachments are the "readying factor" to help define who you are and will become in marriage. I believe that though relationships (not necessarily dating) help in that, God's Word ultimately gives the best guidance and evidence of who we are by convicting us of sin and who we can become giving us a savior who through his spirit helps us live better and are sanctified from.
Finally, will I be able to fully prevent my future kids from doing something that I don't want them to do? No. I can only try to encourage them otherwise. So I agree with you on this one, my kids someday will most likely get burned and learn from that, but I would like to do my part in saying, "i was burned once with this wrong motive of dating, and this is how you can avoid being burned.."
I watched this video by Mark not too long ago Chris. I thought it was right on! My fourteen year old granddaughter tells me about all the drama her school friends are in over their boyfriends. They are only in Jr. High! So glad she wants no part of it... Hope it stays that way for a lot longer. There is wisdom in setting your mind to maturing before dating...
ReplyDeleteI would have to say I agree with the video also. With the culture that kids are being raised in today, it would be nice to think that there WOULD be more mature young people to be able to decipher the ramifications of the intimacy of the heart emotions that often happen in early ages. The Bible states that you shouldn't "awaken love" to early. Many people can attest to the grace of God when mistakes happened early in their lives. Praise God He graciously provides even in disobedience, but I happen to know that you don't have to make mistakes to come out on the other end with God's choice of a mate in His time. I do appreciate the group "hang out" times and the places to appreciate in others the qualities that you one day want to see in a mate. With parents who are in tune with their kids and verbalize Biblical truth in the midst of raging hormones, God can bless and overrule mistakes and continue to unleash His power in the midst of different relationships and situations. I contend that above all else, I experienced the power of prayer for my kids. NEVER underestimate this avenue of making a difference in your children's lives.
ReplyDeleteChris,
ReplyDeleteI know I'm coming to this conversation late, but wanted to share some personal experience.
I didn't have a huge dating life in high school (and, by looking at me, you understand why). However, after meeting my wife, we decided not to "date" at all. Well, if I'm honest, SHE decided not to date. I went along with it for the obvious reasons. We stayed friends and went out with other couples and groups of people. After doing that for a year, we did things together like painting a room, going to birthday parties, and other "public" activities where the perception was that we were probably a couple. It was during this time that we decided to get engaged. A year after that, we were married.
The first time I kissed my wife was the night we got engaged. Now, going one step further, we know a couple who did it even differently than that.
They were known to be a couple and were helping out as youth group leaders. The two of them never held hands, didn't hug, and never even had an arm over a shoulder or anything like that while they were dating. We went to their wedding and immediately there was a change. You saw them kiss in front of people occasionally, they held hands, they were publicly affectionate toward them.
What an impact that had on those high-school kids they were leading. The relationship they modeled was really a beautiful template.
Knowing what I know now, I too wish I could go back in time and not date the couple of girls I did in high school and even redo the way my wife and I acted in public after our engagement. I never would have believed you if you told me in high school that I'd be saying this today but, I wish the first kiss I ever had with a woman was my wife when the pastor told me it was time.
So, in short, I agree with you and with Pastor Mark. If you're too young to get married, you're too young to date. This from a guy who got married at 22 (my wife was 18 at the time). Thanks for sharing this!