A Letter to a Porn Addict

Disclaimer: The subject manner of this blog is spoken of very directly. It is also a very long blog; you may want to find a time suitable to read in one sitting. Thanks!

Friends, if you were to tell me that going into ministry would mean countless situations where I would have to counsel, sometimes emergency counseling at an ungodly time of night, people who are stricken with guilt, fear, and addiction to sex, I wouldn't have believed you.  Well, I would be lying if I said that that statement weren't true.  Just like Joseph at the end of Genesis (50:19-21) talking to his brothers saying, "you meant to harm me with this, but God meant it for good so that MANY people would be saved..." (paraphrase). I'm finding myself put in the same situation.  I have been counseling, as of late, MANY young men between the age of 14-19 on the issue of sexual purity.  These young men, by their own admission, cannot control themselves in looking at pornography, going too far with their girlfriends, or even the silent killer ("shhh don't talk about it!") masturbation.  To say that at their age, I didn't struggle in one form or another in the area of purity would be a big lie. And I had spent many days with a guilt that weighed so heavy on my heart and listening to the lies that Satan tells you about your worthlessness and weakness.  If you don't believe me, ask my dad, he was the best counselor that I had going through this season as a young man. (DAD'S DON'T MISS THAT SENTENCE).  I remember days where because of this hidden sin in my heart I honestly would believe the lie, from Satan, that God had given up saving me because of this sin.   

Why would I be transparent about this? Why would I step out on this limb as a pastor and say I went through this? Here's the reason. I think we have gone far enough in our "christian bubbles" emasculating our congregations by accepting this sin and not dealing with it, not speaking into it, and not educating and challenging our young people about it.  Is it happening in some situations? Certainly! And I thank God for those situations, but I have recently seen and have been able to prove that the area of sexual purity in our contemporary time is not "a" issue, but "the" issue for young men. 

Another reason why I am transparent about this is because this issue was something Satan meant to harm me, but God, in his grace, has turned around and because of my testimony and deliverance through Jesus' sacrifice and the power of the Holy Spirit in defeating temptation, He now uses for good so that many young men can be challenged and hopefully transformed by the Word of God in my testimony. 

So with that said, I've written many letters, like the one below, to many young men when I have been approached by them to help them with this major problem in their lives. Dads out there with young sons in this age range who don't even know where to begin, feel free to copy this letter and personalize it and give it to your boy(s). I cannot stress enough that DADS NEED to be more present in their sons lives about this sin problem. 

Dear _______________,

What you have told me took a lot of courage to do.  To come out and say #1 I'm struggling, and #2 I need help is a very good first step in defeating this sin.  I want to warn you though, from this point on, you've just waged war with the enemy because you want to put to death an idol in your heart that was successfully taking your worship away from Jesus.  Satan and his army are going to be firing their arrows at you pretty strong now and you need to realize that you are not without protection and an arsenal to defend and attack. The word of God is going to be your best weapon against the temptations of Satan to get you to fall back into this sin.  Psalm 119: 9 says, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your (God's) word." I know that reading the bible regularly is probably a foreign concept to you, if you were to be honest, but you need to know that the bible is not just a book, it is the very word of God that Hebrews says is "sharper than a double edged sword piercing to the division of joint and marrow..." It acts as a mirror to your heart to reveal the sin and clutter that is preventing Christ from having full reign over your life.  Sin is revealed and then needs to be repented of. God's word is powerful to do that.  God's word is also (John 1) Christ himself. Jesus IS the word of God and the fact that Jesus is your savior from sin should spark in you the logical conclusion that you need God's word to help resist and defeat sin in your life.  When Christ died and rose from the dead taking away the wrath of God against the sin of those who believe in Jesus, we sometimes forget that he ROSE FROM THE DEAD! Death was defeated, the snare of sin is defeated! See, we do not have to be, as believers of Jesus, under the control of sin any longer! 1 Corinthians 15 says, 

• ""Death is swallowed up in victory," "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ..."  (15:54b-57)

My first challenge to you in this sin problem of yours is to defeat the ultimate heart issue that you have in the fact that you have an idol that you are worshiping more than Jesus Christ. That should scare you because you are saying you are a Christian, a follower of Jesus Christ, yet this sin has control over you. 

To combat idolatry you turn to your savior Jesus.  I don't want you to just read the bible and think you are doing something magical that will help you in this.  I want you to "spend time" with your SAVIOR. Spend time with Jesus daily! When you spend time with a good friend, you don't hang out with just enough time to read them a paragraph of information and then leave thinking you are a great friend. SPEND TIME having a relationship with your savior Jesus Christ. Surround yourself with reminders of who He is and God's grace in your life and revel in the joy that is to be had in a relationship with him that is more than just reading your chapter a day.  

Ok, can I throw a flag of foul? I addressed the most significant problem that you have in this sin. The problem is, "idolatry" is ultimately the root of all sorts of different sins.  However, YOU are stuck in SEXUAL sin. And because you are stuck in sexual sin, you need a little more convincing and the fog cleared up to realize that this is indeed an idol in your life.  I can tell you that you have an idol, but you ultimately probably won't truly understand it until you recognize the consequence of this particular idol.  See, because idols have two forms of consequences, spiritual and worldly.  The spiritual consequence of this sexual idol that you have in your heart is happening already and you are just starting to realize it: your heart is turned from worship of Jesus to the worship of self gratification and entitlement which is numbing you to the work of the Holy Spirit in your life.  You are quenching the spirit because you are consistently giving in to the temptation to look at porn, to masturbate, to go too far with your girlfriend, etc. Quenching the Spirit is deliberately going against the wisdom of your conscience saying, "don't do this!!! this isn't honoring the Lord!!! Stop!! don't go on!!"  The ultimate consequence of quenching the Spirits warning in your life is the possibility that you will be so scaring your ability to hear the Spirit's warning that the Lord, like he did in Romans 1 to those who were being sexually immoral, will "give you up to the desires of your flesh..." I don't think you want this to happen, but I also don't think you understand how serious that consequence to this sin is.  So let me run you through some consequences and implications of this sin that you may be convinced by. 

When you look at and access porn on the internet, you are supporting an industry in America that is responsible for putting young women and even children of both sexes against their will into a forced and filmed lifestyle of sex.  This is called sex slavery, and it happens in America every day. Every day thousands of young girls and boys are being forced into the porn industry because of the demand that is created and the money to be made by their pimps, EVEN by the free stuff. By watching porn on the internet, YOU now have the guilt on your hands of supporting this underground sex trade in America. You think this sin is harmless, that no one is being affected by it, that this is only YOUR business? Think again. You now have on your internal resume a line that says, "contributed to the sex trade in America."

How about this one, on the pornography subject still. You will probably go to college and spend thousands upon thousands of your parent's money to get a degree and go into a field of work that can make you money to live comfortably when you're older.  Now money isn't everything and it is an idol in and among itself often times, but almost every creditable organization or corporation that you are probably looking to work for and cash in your hard earned degree has a NO TOLERANCE policy to porn on the work computer.  Which means that if you have so much as a source of porn on your computer at work, you could be fired on the spot! And guess what, that shows up on your record and possibly, depending on the situation, put you on the regional sexual offenders list.  Worth it? 

Let's get real and talk about the more addicting of the problems that your facing right now.  Chances are, you could turn off the computer and go cold turkey on the porn thing, but your left with a physiological problem now of your body so used to what you were probably doing while looking at Porn. Masturbation is an action that spurs on a feeling and a mental scenario that is actually placing you, in your imagination, inside the scenario that you are watching. When you pull the plug on the computer and are left with only your imagination, you think you've forgotten those images and scenarios that you succumbed yourself to? No.  So in essence, masturbation, even without images, is a porn source for you. And it is often the harder of the two addictions to kick.  

When it comes to masturbating you need to realize two things.  One, in doing so, you are stealing from your future wife. What you are doing while masturbating is saying to God, "I know you have a time frame for this thing called sex, and I know ONLY your ways are perfect, but I want to be impatient and experience what you meant for me to experience and find more joy in with my future wife." The common misconception is that if, as a young man, you don't masturbate, you won't have an avenue for the "release of sexual tension."  What isn't told you by those advocators is that physiologically, the more your body is released of its sperm supply, the more your body is conditioned to produce it and at higher volumes.  So, in essence, by "releasing your sexual tension" you are actually creating a greater one! Ok, Chris, what the heck? How will this tension go away then? You think God doesn't have an answer to this? He does, and chances are, because of the severity of this issue, you may have never experienced one of these.  God's NATURAL and planned way to relieve a young man of his sexual tension is through nocturnal emission. When you wake up at night thinking you peed your bed, it's really God's way of being faithful to his sexual plan for you to WAIT until your married. Yes, this is awkward to talk about, but if you don't man up and get past the awkwardness, you're going to subject yourself to guilt that can be devastating. 

The question I know you are thinking at this point is probably this, "Wait, is masturbating ok if I'm not going through a scenario that is pornographic in my head?" My answer to this is probably obvious. Is it possible to masturbate as a young man without those pictures and images in your head? The answer is probably 95% no.  For the other 5% you need to realize another facet of masturbation that has convinced me that it is indeed something that you shouldn't do and probably sinful in itself. When God talks about immorality in the Bible, like Romans 1 for example, he uses the term "unnatural" to describe the relations and actions that are being done. In God's created order, there are NATURAL processes, and if something is unnatural, it is often opposing to the Lord.  Look at the example in Romans 1 where God gave them up to the desires of their flesh because the men were relating with other men in an unnatural way: homosexuality. In law (Leviticus for example) homosexuality is said to be an "abomination" to the Lord and was worthy of death. Why? because it is, in the most direct way, in opposition to the NATURAL way of God's created order! Now, let me ask you this.  Is masturbation a heterosexual or homosexual action? 

OUCH!!  If you're thinking, "obviously it's heterosexual because in my head is a heterosexual scenario," my next question is this, "ok, well then, what parts are you actually playing with?" 

Masturbation, as an action of itself is a homosexual action. You are by definition having sex with yourself ("homo" = same).  

If you look at the influx of young people in current time who are coming "out of the closet" as homosexual, you look back,  and see a generation that was spoon fed "for the sake of "safe sex" you need to explore yourself sexually and thus prevent the possibility of having a baby that you weren't planning on..." Please note, this isn't a scientific fact, only a logical observation. Are there more people saying they are homosexual because they have been convinced over their pubescent years to be comfortable and actually prefer to have sex with themselves and their own sexual organs that they now want to cohabit and have sex with their own kind? 

What you need to understand is that because of sin, our hearts are filthy to the core. But Jesus came to save people like you and me who have made mistakes and are sinful. But to take hold of the power of the Holy Spirit to defeat this sexual sin in your life is not going to be easy, and will require sacrifice. You need to realize that you have this sin problem, and you need to realize the idol that is trying to kick Jesus off the throne.  God is not up there with a scowl on his face about ready to throw a lighting bolt and finish you off right now or every time you've failed!  Sure, sin grieves the heart of God but he is a God of grace who looks down on his most grand creation and says, "come back!! Let me pick you up! Let me dust off the dirt, let me put salve on your wound, let me HEAL YOU!!!" When God sent his son to die on the cross for you, he COMPLETED what he said he was going to do.  And you NEED to believe that Jesus took your place on the cross because of this and the rest of the sin in your life.  And when you understand and believe that Jesus is your Savior, the guilt is lifted away and the flood of forgiveness washes over you! What an amazing God we have who is willing to do this freely!

I do have to make this point however, because I know your head is going there.  "If he always forgives, then why can't I keep this sin that I cherish so much knowing that he is just going to keep forgiving and by doing so make his grace for me more famous!?" Romans 6 says, "Shall we continue to sin that grace may abound? By no means! who have we who have died to sin to still live in it?" Don't suck the blood out of the hand that feeds you! God is gracious yes, but are you proving that you believe that Christ really died for your sin if you are still actively pursuing your sin? I'll let you answer that one. 

I want to finish with the promise that God gives us in 1 Corinthians 10:13-15:

• No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
• Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. I speak as to sensible people; judge for yourselves what I say.
• (1 Corinthians 10:13-15 ESV)

Can you come to your senses today and see that the grace of God through Jesus Christ has the power to save you even from this awful sin? I'm spoken very direct to you today because I love you and don't want to see you hurt severely from this sin. I want you to see that you can have freedom in your relationship with Jesus and look at this sin as a thing of the past.  It's going to take some hard work and sacrifice, but I know you can do it, and I'm here to help you stay on track. I pray that you will hear my words sincerely and respond to the conviction of God through them. 

Sincerely,

Chris